


The Gospel According to Ed Bernero

by shinealightonme



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Bible, Crack, Ensemble Cast, Gen, Meta, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-17
Updated: 2009-04-04
Packaged: 2017-10-03 19:30:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinealightonme/pseuds/shinealightonme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"In the beginning, Ed created the darkness and the light."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [on LJ](http://shinealightonme.livejournal.com/23345.html).

1 In the beginning Ed created the darkness and the light, 2 for Ed saw that the light was good, but knew that he must have something to oppose it, lest his creation fall to the forces of boredom and low ratings. 3 So Ed did create the darkness, 4 and made of it creatures violent and malevolent who did prey upon the innocent women of Seattle. 5 He separated the representatives of the darkness from those of the light, and those from the dark he did call "unsubs" and those from the light he did call "profilers."

6 For all their cruelty and aggression, the first unsubs were only momentary advocates of the darkness; 7 and Ed did focus instead his creative energies upon the emissaries of the light. 8 Of these did he create seven, for seven is a good number for creation, 9 and were there anymore he would risk falling into the trap of Other Dramatic Programs wherein the audience does need a scorecard just to watch a single episode.

10 The first of these agents of the light, Ed did name the Mighty Warrior; 11 for though it was in the nature of Gideon to spend much time brooding and to be nearly so creepy as his adversaries, 12 he was a mentor unto the other agents and well versed in the ways of catching unsubs and being dramatic. 13 Gideon also taught unto the agents the ways of breaking down that would be of such great importance to them in later days, 14 for Gideon was greatly haunted by his past failure.

15 The second of the agents that Ed did create was Hotch; 16 and from the beginning of time, Hotch had been a Parent unto the other agents, 17 for he did provide council and support and admonishment alike, as he deemed necessary. 18 Ed did first give Hotch much occasion to smile and joke with his agents and his wife, who was with child, 19 before deciding that he must be more stern, and stoic, and given to subtle expressions rather than such rampant displays of emotion such as smiling that the other agents did partake in.

20 The third profiler in the service of the light was dubbed Morgan, 21 and unto him was entrusted the sacred duty of tackling unsubs and kicking down locked doors. 22 He was made a flirt, and a skeptic, and fond of taking direct action. 23 When Morgan did first appear, he was clothed in fine suits, and the fangirls saw that this was good. 24 This was not to last, but as the change detrimentally affected neither Morgan's aesthetic appeal nor his ability to launch flying tackles upon the enemies of the light, 25 Ed decided that this, too, was good.

26 Reid, the fourth profiler, was made an unusual defender of life and goodness, 27 for he was young and did enjoy spinning in chairs, and did flinch when dogs barked at him. 28 That he was a genius was a fact that was questionable only to himself. 29 In this as in other things, Reid did early display the worry and insecurity that would contribute to the extreme tragedy of his life story; 30 though in these early moments, these were merely shadows of things to come, and Reid did seem more awkward than anything else.

31 In addition to this team, Ed did create Elle, who desired greatly to earn a place as the fifth agent of the light. 32 She did act with little patience or hesitation, and had the dubious honor of slaying the second unsub when he did pose a threat. 33 There was also much kindness in her soul, 34 and she did protect the innocent and aid the BAU and have amusing banter with Morgan.

35 It was granted to the sixth agent only a limited amount of screen time, 36 for fear that too concentrated a dose of her stunning personality and sparkling wit would be overwhelming to the unprepared viewer; 37 yet Garcia did shine in the moments given to her.

38 The seventh agent did rest, for she was not scheduled to appear until the coming of the second episode.

39 Ed saw that the cast was good, yet still he was dissatisfied, for he wanted more drama. 40 Yet to raise to further prominence the warriors of darkness would be to obscure the agents of the light, which he desired not. 41 Instead he deemed that creatures of the light must have conflict within themselves, 42 and so he declared, "Let there be angst!" and there was angst.

43 Ed saw the angst, and it was good.

44 Gideon did become the first instrument of the angst, 45 and his brooding the prelude to future times of doubt and trauma. 46 Hotch did fulfill his roles as leader and Parent and try to talk him out of it, and it seemed to work for a time. 47 Yet the angst was not defeated, merely pushed aside for the moment.

48 And thus were the ways of the BAU established, 49 and they set forth to do great battle with the darkness in the world, and in their own souls.

50 The audience saw Ed's creation, and it was good; 51 yet Ed did not rest, for that was only the pilot episode, and there was still much work to be done.


	2. Chapter 2

1 Ed spoke unto the profilers, saying, 2 I am Ed, your creator, who has given unto you this time slot for you to do as you wish, so long as you keep my laws.

3 You shall all together be as one family; 4 you shall tease, and squabble, and become sources of great annoyance unto each other. 5 Though you shall fight about matters both trivial and consequential, you shall still care and look out for each other, and offer much advice, solicited or otherwise; 6 and you shall worry for the well being of other agents and try to spare them any pain.

7 You shall not swear too vehemently, nor show too much of the gore with which you deal, 8 for you have not the powers of HBO to protect you, and shall incur the wrath of the censors.

9 You shall not rest, but rather work yourself too hard, so that the audience may see how serious your task and how strong your determination.

10 You shall have issues with your father and mother.

11 You shall not kill, excepting situations where there is no alternative; 12 and in those cases, you shall feel much remorse and question the darkness of your own nature.

13 You shall not date another agent, but rather leave such matters to the fans to decide as they please.

14 You shall drink an implausible amount of caffeinated beverages.

15 You shall not lie to your fellow agents about matters that concern your work, 16 for it is through trust alone that your work can be done. 17 However, you shall lie as often as you please about personal matters, 18 so that all may see how easily your fellow agents see through your lies, and come to know the glory of a profiler's skills.

19 You shall find occasion to relate too deeply with the victims, or the unsubs, 20 and in this manner you shall serve as an instrument of the angst.

21 You shall have trauma, both in your past and in your present, 22 and your trauma be shown to all both by the obvious signs of nightmares and flashbacks and bouts of anger directed towards those that have done you no wrong, 23 and also by the subtler signs, slight changes in behavior that shall be missed by casual observation.

24 The profilers heard these commandments, and did question why their creator did have it out for them so; 25 and Ed did say unto them, "Place your trust in me, for I desire only what is best for you. 26 If you heed me and keep my commandments, you shall be made more interesting and shall not suffer the fate of the prematurely canceled."

27 The profilers agreed that Ed did have a point, 28 and they followed the laws that had been set for them, and for over a year they all did find much success.


	3. Chapter 3

1 For many months the profilers carried out their sacred mission with dedication and style, yet Ed grew displeased with their efforts. 2 While they were most successful at protecting peace and life by battling those who would bring chaos and death, 3 they had made only the slightest progress towards fulfilling the other purpose of their creation; 4 to serve the will of the angst.

5 To correct for this shortcoming, Ed did send a messenger to his team, and the messenger spoke unto them saying:

6 "Lo, I bring you tidings of great trouble, for your creator is not satisfied with the roles you have played thus far, 7 and the subtle hints and small comments about your lives outside of the battlefield shall no longer suffice. 8 You shall be sent a crazy fan in the guise of an unsub, 9 and he shall find you in your places of rest and he shall bring you back into the battle between light and dark. 10 From this day forth, your secrets shall be laid bare; your personal lives shall no longer serve as a refuge from your mission."

11 All came to happen just as the messenger had described, 12 and the privacy and personal space of the profilers was invaded and forced to be a part of their work. 13 Nor was their safety kept sacred, and while all survived this encounter, it was clear to all that the rules of the game had been changed mightily.

14 The profilers did try to adapt to the changes that had been wrought, and this struggle offered them much chance to be used by the angst. 15 Yet while this was pleasing unto Ed, who saw that the desired results had been achieved, there were to be unforeseen circumstances. 16 Not every agent was able to adapt well enough, 17 and Elle, who had been made to suffer most grievous injury, was transformed into a vessel for much doubt and anger.

18 And so it came to pass that the fifth child of the light fell into darkness, for she did break the fifth commandment and kill in cold blood. 19 Though she did try to undo her error by questioning herself greatly, 20 she was forsaken by Ed and cast out of the BAU.

21 The other agents wished no more company lest it should bring further discord into their midst. 22 Yet it was not to be, for now there were but six agents, and tradition demanded there be seven. 23 The situation did further vex Ed, for the women, while both most exceptional agents, were sore outnumbered by the men.

24 So Ed did devise a test for his profilers, and for Hotch as a leader of men, 25 by creating for the team a new agent who was brought among them under much suspicion and scrutiny. 26 Thus was she made to undergo many trials before the team did truly accept her into the family; 27 in this manner was the team restored to its former strength, and made even stronger for it.

28 Yet did the newest agent still remain a mystery, even past the day of Reckoning and the revelation of her origins, 29 and all who looked upon her did speculate greatly about the nature of the trauma she was undoubtedly concealing.


End file.
